(a)

A week after the funeral. Sunday.

The weather was still gloomy and cold. It rained lightly every day of the week, and it was as if God was also tearing up because of our sorrow.

Soda and I slowly walked side by side on the corridor of the cemetery with umbrellas. All the branches and flowers in the cemetery were wet.

I had just accompanied her to church, to hear Mass sermons on behalf of Kaohsiung, to hear the choir boys sing, and to confess to the clergy. After the service, I accompanied her to the cemetery to have a look.

I said to Sue, "I'm so sorry, Ann and I are going back and can't stay here with you all the time." I can't accompany you next week. If you need anything, you can call me again. ”

Sue said, "It's okay. You've been here for a long time, you've been delayed for a lot of things, and you should go back. That's actually pretty good. I don't think he likes to make you think about him all the time in a coffin. ”

Sue said: "I think alone, and that's enough. ”

We walked in silence for a while.

I said, "Sue, I want you to mourn." Either way, life goes on. You have children. They all need your strength. ”

Sue said, "Well, I'll be strong. ”

"These days, I often think about what happened before him," she said. If he had been gentle and considerate to me since marriage, I probably wouldn't have been able to regain my peace so quickly now. With the level of my obsession with him, I would have collapsed, I would have collapsed, and maybe, I would have gone after him in desperation. He didn't want me to go through this. He never said it to me, but that's what he thought in his heart. He knew it wasn't going to end well, so he kept training me so that I could get through it safely. ”

"I've always felt bad," Sue said. But I always knew in my heart that he was right - even if a woman can marry the man she loves, most of them will not be happy in the end. It's because I'm too naïve before, and I always want to find safety and happiness in others. It's me thinking wrong. ”

"In the dead of night, it's just us in bed," Su said. He often said to me: Sue, I am not good to you, you feel it every day. But my kindness to you, you won't feel it until a long time later. ”

I looked at Sue. I said, "Sue." ”

We stopped, stood in the rain and looked at each other.

Sue had tears in her eyes. Tears are getting bigger and bigger.

She said: "However, I still feel empty in my heart now. Don't know what to fill with. ”

I said, "Sue." I, totally understand. This sadness. ”

Sue's tears flowed from her eyes.

I said, "It will pass." ”

When Sue cried and leaned on my shoulder, I held her hand tightly and said, "Believe me, all this, no matter how sad it is, will pass." ”

(b)

Su Shi has a poem: "If you want to calm the bitter waves, first love the river." ”

(c)

When I was a child, you said to me, "When it rains, if we don't want to get wet, we need to seek shelter under an umbrella." ”

You say, "In the same way, if we are afraid of all kinds of pain and do not want to bear the pain of life, we need to seek refuge in the truth of life in the universe." ”

You tell me, "Taking refuge in the truth frees us from all disappointment." Because, all disappointments arise because they are contrary to the truth. ”

(iv)

I was wearing headphones and dozing off in my seat in the first class cabin of the plane.

Ann had long forgotten the sorrow of the funeral and was watching the cartoon with relish, smiling back and forth.

Children's ability to live in the present, not to be dragged by the past, not to worry about the future, is really worth learning from us adults.

I closed my eyes dimly, and after a while, I started dreaming again.

Midday sun. Hot and harsh. I sat side by side with you in the shadows of the stands on the playing field.

You look at my sunglasses.

You say, "You went and came back that day, and when you came back, was this the pair of sunglasses?" ”

I said, "Hmm. It was sent by a relative at home. The protection factor for the eyes can be automatically adjusted according to the intensity of the sunlight. It's worth a lot of money. ”

You say, "If you've been wearing these sunglasses since you were born and you've never taken them off, would you think that the world is brown or black?" ”

I said, "Of course." ”

You say, "If someone told you that the world was never what you thought it was, would you agree with him?" ”

I said, "I'd think he's talking nonsense." ”

You reached out and took the pair of sunglasses off my eyes.

You say, "Would you believe me if I said that you still wear a pair of sunglasses that you can never take off?" ”

I'm looking at you. I said, "If it's what you say, I'll believe it." ”

You smile, you give me back your sunglasses and help me put them back on. You say, "It's good to trust the teacher." Blind worship is not so good. I hope that what you say to me will be deeply thought about and verified for yourself, and not blindly believed just because it was what I said. No matter how good a teacher is, he is just a guide, just to give you an inspiration at a critical time, and you still need to explore the truth yourself. If you believe it without examination because I say it, then it's called superstition. ”

I said, "Sometimes, isn't it possible to save a lot of time by being directly and decisively convinced?" ”

You say, "Yes." Time can be saved. However, if you want the teacher's opinion to become your own, the process of personal exploration and verification is still essential. ”

I nodded.

I said, "Well, won't we never see the world as it is?" ”

I said, "If we never see it, how can we know that this is not what it is?" ”

You say, "Want to take off that pair of sunglasses that you can't take off?" ”

I said, "Yes! ”

You say, "There is a way." ”

I said, "What's the solution?" ”

You say, "You know that the world is not what you just saw, it looks different in the eyes of different people, in the eyes of different species, in different eras, from different angles, and the sunglasses are taken off." ”

Four years later, I read this sentence from the Diamond Sutra for the first time: "If you see the Dharma and the non-appearance, you will see the reality." ”

- No, that's what you said?

(5)

Someone was tugging hard at my sleeve.

I opened my eyes, and your face vanished into the void like mist.

I saw Ann baby's face.

Ann said, "Mom, are you asleep?" Can I order an ice cream from the flight attendant? ”

I sat up, my mind still in the dreams of my youth.

I am now the mother of this girl, and Kaohsiung is gone forever.

An inexplicable sense of vicissitudes came to my heart.

I said, "Yes." First class can be ordered to eat ice cream. But I can only eat one drink. ”

Ann said, "Why only one glass?" I heard the children in front of me say that they can call again after eating. ”

I said, "There is no limit to the supply, but even if you eat the best things all the time, it will become unpalatable." Being too greedy is not a good behavior. ”

(f)

Ann was beside me, contentedly eating strawberry ice cream with a small spoon. His face was stained with cream.

I laughed a little and took out a tissue to help her wipe it clean.

Ann said, "Mom, are we flying straight home?" ”

I said, "Let's go to Hong Kong first, stay for a day or two, and then go back." ”

Ann's eyes lit up, "Will you take me to Disney to see Mickey Mouse?" ”

I said, "I'll take you with me if I have time." We didn't go to Hong Kong to play Disney, but Mr. Leung asked his mother there to talk about something important. Uncle Jackie was also there waiting for her mother. We've got things done, and if we still have time, we'll go to Disney, okay? If we don't have time, we'll come back in a few days. Disney and Mickey will always be there waiting for us. None of them will run away. ”

Ann nodded vigorously and said, "Okay." ”

She looked up at me and said, "Mom, I'm not greedy. I just wanted to get another pineapple-flavored ice cream for you. I just need to taste a little bit and it's fine. ”

Looking at her large, water-clear eyes and long flickering eyelashes, it was hard for me to stick to my principles.

I said, "Okay. Just ask for a drink. ”

Ann nodded happily, a flower blooming with a smile on her face.

I turned to the flight attendant and said, "A glass of ice cream, pineapple." ”