Understandably, all the children in the courtyard and Ah Xiang definitely followed one instruction, that is, to talk to me as little as possible. When the orphans were in groups, they still clashed with me, and the lonely people would occasionally dare to declare war on me, Niu Ba was one of them, he was Ah Xiang's cousin, and he was the only one who dared to provoke me, and he also organized others to want to beat me.

I already had the experience of resisting, so this time I was still angry and pounced on him. My emotions were shaped by a force—anger and the power to resist. My fist was aimed at the most prominent nose on his face, and I wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to continue beating him until I achieved my goal, but he had already fled to Ah Xiang to complain. In fact, my strength is pitiful, maybe he was frightened away by my fierce gaze, or maybe he thought it would be better not to do it with me, so he ran away to find Ah Xiang while crying, and sobbed and complained to Ah Xiang and the dean's grandmother.

"That cat ninety-nine, it's a crazy cat, she-she hit me."

The dean's grandmother was upset by his crying, and I guessed that she didn't like any child, and Niu Ba got her cold face and scolding.

"I told you, don't mess around with her anymore. Don't follow me with her anymore. ”

At this time, I was leaning on the doorrail to listen to their conversation, and when I heard this, I suddenly responded without thinking: "All of you are not worthy of messing with me." ”

Although the dean's grandmother was over half a hundred years old, when she heard my bold declaration, she still rushed out of the door with great speed, and the accomplice Ah Xiang dragged me into the room like a gust of wind, and pressed me down on the table, and said angrily: "Let's see if you still have the ability to get up from here today and say another word." ”

I was pressed to the center of the table, looking nonchalant, and the dean was pacing back and forth with her hands behind her back with a grunt. Ah Xiang and Tian were comforting Niu Ba in a whisper.

The dean's grandmother turned around a few times and turned around: "Okay, you cat Jiujiu, you have to go up to the wall to uncover the tiles, Niu Ba is such a good child was also beaten by you, today is an eye-opener for me." Fight, why don't you fight? Don't stop him, Niu Ba, you stick your head over and let her fight, I want to see how bold she is. ”

I said coldly: "Mother Dean, don't take me, if he really dares to stick his head over, I will really dare to smash it." ”

Niu Ba rarely jumped like thunder, looked like a bear, and was stopped by Ah Xiang.

Ah Xiang instigated while adding fuel to the fire: "Mao Jiujiu, you are enough to get out of the circle, you are fighting Niu Ba again, and you are confronting the dean, and you are still so arrogant, maybe you will dare to kill people and set fire when you are older in the future." Have you thought about the consequences? ”

I sneered: "The consequences? I haven't thought about it, I just want to beat Niu Ba, this bastard, as for how to deal with it, as for whether I want to kill people when I grow up, I can't think about it, the big deal is to lock me up and not give me food. The food in the orphanage is disgusting because the pigs can't eat it, and it can't be swallowed. ”

The dean roared angrily: "Mao Jiujiu, you are still a dead pig and you are not happy, I have to fix your thorn today." ”

"Mother Dean, don't shout so loudly, okay? People say that barking dogs don't bite, and I'm not a 3-year-old, so that doesn't scare me. ”

Ah Xiang secretly kicked Niu Ba, and Niu Ba said impulsively: "You press her well, I'll beat her." ”

I was pressed on the table and couldn't move, and smiled coldly: "Niu Ba, I found you so funny, you just didn't want to practice with me but was beaten by me." Now that I'm holding down, don't pretend to be a hero, let's secretly find a place where no one is there to practice, whoever loses his teeth, he secretly swallows it into his stomach, and when he sees others, he has to say that he accidentally knocked it, don't cry and run to sue, this is a man. What's your name? Relying on Ah Xiang is your cousin, don't dare to beat you, just roll up your arms and sleeves and want to bully me, you are a coward! ”

Ah Xiang was speechless, and Niu Ba looked at the dean's grandmother with pity.

The dean pointed at me and said, "The mouth is enough to damage her, lock her up!" ”

I laughed and stiffened: "Whatever!" It's more comfortable to live in a black hut, there is food and drink, and you don't have to do anything, it's similar to recuperation, you'd better confine me for a few more days. ”

The dean was furious: "It's the other way around!" ”

"Why is it always against me? What are you hiding from me? "I asked this question unintentionally, and it was an unconscious catharsis.

"Nonsense!" The dean's mother said in a deep voice with some unconfidence. The usually cold eyes became panicked, almost revealing a look of fear. She took her hand away from me and stared at me as if she were staring at a demon. At this point, if I relent, but my intuition and experience tell me that it will only get her more disdain and contempt.

The dean's grandmother quickly returned to normal, and she shook me violently, "Stretch out your hand." She forced me to stretch out her hand, "You were born to be a poisonous snake, I will let you know exactly who you are!" We never wanted to hug you! After saying that, she plunged the needle deep into the softest part of my little hand, all the way to the base of my thumb, and the tearing pain was like an electric current to my arm, into my brain, I was suppressed by Ah Xiang and her motionless, I could only stare at their fierce and unchanging eyes.

She pulled the needle out of my hand, her blazing eyes did not leave me, she wiped the needle clean on her clothes, and did not say a word.

But I was also tragically mentioned to the little black room by Ah Xiang, I tried to bite Ah Xiang's hand, and she presciently kicked my stunted body, so I was like a wind-up electric toy, and I hit the darkest wall in a straight line, ending with my back against the wall. Ah Xiang pointed at me in a hurry: "You are a wild seed that crawled out of the belly of a!" You're a stinking piece of shit left in this world! If it weren't for the fact that your dog's life was still worth some money, I would have thrown you alive and fed the dog as soon as you were born! Strangled by hand! ”

I heard every word clearly, they were so harsh, at this moment, full of anger was burning in my heart, thinking with my childish thinking, stunned, and asked: "Worth it?" Is it worth being born? Death is not worth it? ”

Are they afraid of me dying?! Ah Xiang put her hand in her mouth, her actions betraying her answer.

The dean's grandmother on the side looked at me, and my eyes just met her, and at that moment, she said gloomily, "Shut up for a day!" It was a commanding tone, perhaps my eyes, or something else, that disgusted her, because I could clearly see that she was already trying to control her emotions.

I have to speak, although I am in a low position, it does not mean that I can accept such trampling and humiliation, how can I swallow my anger anymore, I must resist. But how to resist, what is the weapon of my resistance? In the end, I gained the courage to vent my dissatisfaction directly: "This is a bullshit orphanage, even if it is worth raising a chicken, it is not like this, big deal, once you die, you don't have to waste food." ”

The dean's grandmother stood motionless, her eyes staring at me cold.

"You want to die, don't you?" She asked, and the tone in which she said that was not so much about dealing with a child as it was about competing with an adult.

The way she looked and the tone of her voice irritated me, and I was so excited that I could not control myself, and my whole body trembled, and there was a fire in my heart, which was surging and did not allow any reason to appear, and I insisted on shouting: "Don't let me die now, but force me to stay in the little dark room, lock the door, and give me no food." You hate me, obviously other children beat me and pushed me to the ground for no reason, but you only punish me, and when I grow up, I will tell others how terrible this orphanage is, and the 9 children in the orphanage are your cash cows, and you will scold and beat me lightly. I've seen the corpse of a dead child, hidden in the cellar! ”

I had not yet poured it all out, but by this time I had begun to feel a sense of joy and joy in my heart, a wonderful feeling of freedom and triumph that I had never felt before. It was as if I had broken free from an invisible shackle and experienced an unexpected freedom. This feeling was not illusory, but because I saw the dean's mother's panicked eyes, and the expression on her face was also distorted, as if she was in control of her violent emotions.

"Mao Jiujiu, if I hadn't picked you up in the first place, would you still have your life?"

"No, Dean, I never thank you. How I've survived all these years, I tell you, it's like we're locked in a chicken coop, confined to the walls every day. We didn't have enough clothes to keep us warm, and we had to wear straw sandals, which only melted in the snow. We didn't go to the snow and water to wash our clothes in the winter, our hands and feet were covered with chilblains, and our hands were swollen like pig's heads and we had to wash our clothes the next day, and our hands and feet were painful and itchy, and they felt like they were frozen into popsicles! "When my tears were about to burst out of my eyes, I held it back.

"Cat Jiujiu, you want to die, do you have this species!"

"Don't lock me up in the little dark room again!" I shouted hysterically.

In the end, I was not locked up in the little black room, but as the dean's mother, I was thrown on the bed like a pig with two bundles of rope. For me, it was the first time I had tasted revenge, and the restlessness in my nature was once again aroused. But that night, my hand became infected after being pricked with a needle and swollen until yellow pus slowly oozes from the wound, and then the situation starts to improve. Whatever happened during this time, when the scars turned from a deep purple to a faint dot that I could see, no matter what happened, I hated them.

When lovelorn, disappointed, and cruel life lashed you out, I found a way to torture them and myself, and thought of all kinds of self-harm methods to end my life:

I went on a hunger strike for three days, and on the fourth day, I couldn't stand the hunger, so I ate anyway; Standing on the fourth floor of the roof, I didn't have the courage to jump down, was that a desire for life, or an instinct to survive? I don't know. So I didn't die in the way I designed it, but started to take root like a weed.

So, I changed to another way of thinking that I could fight against this world, and my mother indulged me in smoking, drinking, and cheating; Indulge me in group fights like a wild child, and at the same time do not forget to torture me mentally, so that every time before eating, I must say three words: "I am a little bitch!" I'm a little bitch! I'm a little bitch! ”