One night, even with headphones in my ears, I could hear the noisy sound in that small alley, the horn of the battery car, the harsh sound.

Tossing and turning made me break down every second, and every minute reminded me of the feeling of being in the dark and unconscious after being injected with anesthetics.

I want to drown in the lake, never come out, sink into the mud, and bury me forever, a useless wicked person.

The next day, before dawn, we had everything ready and waited for a call from my uncle's friend in City A.

I don't know, I don't even understand, why I got sick and went to see a doctor, my mother wanted to post on Moments, all the social video software, let everyone know that I was sick, and they took me to City A to see a doctor.

I hated it when she put the camera in my face and take a picture of my own ugly look.

I also hated it when my mom brought me up on video calls with her friends and relatives in our house, saying that I was disobedient and that I was doing it, that she was tired and tired......

And flipping the camera and then slapping it in my face.

I hate the way people see me, I hate crowds, but the choice is not in my hands.

Like a dirty doll, I stood and dressed, then dropped my father's arm and stepped out of the cramped little inn into a noisy, long, black alley mixed with the smell of all kinds of snacks.

Then through the crowd like a black undercurrent, and then into the black cover that trapped me and drowning me, I was used to shaking my legs, clenching my sweaty hands, closing my eyes, and being carried into the hospital like an emotionless pendant.

When I walked into the outpatient hall, I was greeted by a more stuffy, hotter, louder voice in my head, and even more incapable of escaping from the hood.

My head was buzzing, all I saw in my eyes was this gray world, my knees were hit again and again by the invisible little hammer, forcing me to fall, the muscles in my calves were beating restlessly, the sweat in my hands was flowing like water, and my knuckles were red and white, white and red.

If it weren't for the fact that the nails had been cut very short, I don't think there would have been a few red nail marks in the palms of my hands.

My uncle's friend found his doctor friend, a well-informed doctor in a big city, but at a glance he decided that the department I was going to see was psychiatric.

Instead of hiccups and annoying hiccups, which we couldn't see for three years, they were a physical manifestation of mental illness, and I had to go to a psychiatrist.

The doctor friend took us directly to the psychiatric department, found a specialist, avoided the appointment step, and looked at the enclosed space and a hallway, full of stools, and the crowd of people waiting in line outside the entrance of the building.

It all scared me, made me anxious, broke me, made me want to run away.

"Run out of here, run out of here, run out of here......" There was a voice that kept spinning in my head, but there was a force behind me that pulled me, and I couldn't live left and right.

When my dad pulled me to sit in a chair in the waiting hall outside, looking at the floor-to-ceiling glass window, I had only one thought, kick the broken glass, and then fall like a snowflake and melt into the dirt below.

But my test report is out.

Looking at the page by page on the report sheet, it is serious. I thought something was wrong, but before I could think about it, I was pulled into the doctor's office.

It seemed to me that I had heard nothing, and that I had heard everything.

Prescribing medical records, prescribing medications, prescribing hospitalization certificates, writing medicine orders, and paying bills...... After a series of procedures, I was like a puppet doll, pulled here and there, but when I saw the floor-to-ceiling windows, I wanted to kick them and fall down, and when I saw the stairs, I wanted to roll down, and every moment I wanted to be a snowflake, and then slowly melt into a drop of water, waiting for the sun to bask me in the sky, like green smoke, and then fly to the sky, and then become other snowflakes, and I would disappear completely, there will be no more in the world, but this ...... Just a delusion on my part.

I want to be absolutely dusty, but it's just a delusion.

When I was doing nucleic acid, I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable when I saw how others were uncomfortable after doing it, and I didn't feel anything when the throat swab stirred in my throat.

Staying in that weird little house again, waiting for the nucleic acid test report, my whole body sank into the bed that I still resisted, the mattress was soft, but it couldn't sink into me.

I thought it would be better if this was a swamp that slowly sank into it and gradually disappeared into the darkness, no one knew, no one could find me, and my parents would not have to be a burden to me, and they would not have to spend money on my treatment.

And I don't have to waste the resources of this society anymore.

As the saying goes, some people waste air when they live, waste land when they die, and waste social resources when they are half-dead.

I feel that I happen to be the one who is useless to society and will drag down the family.

For three whole years, for my illness, the money spent is really uncountable, and all the methods that can be diagnosed and treated have passed, and still have no effect.

When they came to City A, they came with the attitude of breaking the jar and breaking it, and the dead horse was a live horse doctor, and of course the whole world was happy when it was cured, and if it was not cured, it also ended their obsession.

So it would be nice if I hadn't shown up, or if all the vapour had drifted into the sky again after the snow had melted, and the snow that had melted would never have reappeared.

I'm dead, and everyone who remembers me can erase their memories and won't remember how good I should be as a person.

What I didn't expect was that the psychiatric ward would be full, so we had to wait for a bed to be available.

It was a day and a half, and for a day and a half, I had been living in that strange room, like a rat hiding in a sewer, and I didn't even dare to open the door of this room.

I couldn't even look at the rice my mother bought, and I couldn't even smell it.

When I see the rice and smell the smell, I just feel sick.

But they thought I was petty.

At this time, my heart was like a stone with edges and corners, it hurt, as if it was ripping my flesh, every word was like a bloody knife, stabbing me painfully, but I couldn't speak, I could only be silent.

Controlling some of my dangerous thoughts and impulsive violence, I could only hold myself to clench my fists, grit my teeth, and slowly calm myself down.

But the more I suppressed it, the more uncomfortable it became, and I felt like I was going to go to hell all over my body, and I felt like I was going to hell.

But they didn't understand......

I had to keep nesting and nesting, until it was time to take the medicine, I slowly got up and took the medicine, and I felt better after a while.

Then I put on my good daughter's mask again.

Like robots, what they tell me to do, I do.

But when I ask them to go outside during dinner, I can't control my discomfort, irritability, and pain......

The thought of going out and pressing on my head like a cover, on my body, made me feel so uncomfortable and painful.

I don't know what I'm uncomfortable with, painful with, or annoyed with, but I just don't feel good. I really want to disappear into this world and no one remembers me......

But my father said that I was not missing an arm or a leg, so why couldn't I go out to meet people?

He never knew how painful it was for me to go out, I lived every day like a year, restless, but I could only be silent, I could only suppress.

Because I have been an obedient and well-behaved child since I was a child, I want to be obedient, obedient, obedient......

But I can't control my emotions, what can I do.

When I was trying to endure the uncomfortable energy, my ears were full of words from my mother saying that I was angry, petty, disobedient, and unbelievable.

All I saw was the gloomy faces of the two of them.

I can't refute it, all I get from my refuting is my mother's heart-piercing words.

"We've taken out all our hearts for you, and I have to take off whatever you want, and I have to pick off the stars in the sky for you.

It's been three years, and we have to make money to support our family, feed the two of us, and give you this sick seedling to run here and there to see a doctor.

Are we easy? It's really satisfying to pick it up and dig it out for you! ”

And dad suddenly pulled down the face.

I had to please them, and the day and a half of waiting for the bed I was tired, tired, tired.

But at night, listening to the noisy sounds outside, I always feel irritable and can't sleep. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but that was just self-deception, which would only make me more awake.

Someone told me never to say harsh things to those closest to me, because the damage is irreversible. Talking about family affection with family and friendship with friends, the softest side of myself is reserved for the people I love. Don't try to reason, talk about love.

Can...... What love is, I don't understand, and I don't want to understand. I just feel uncomfortable, I'm not fit in this world.

But no matter how hard I try, how much I plan, how much I plan, it is in vain, because I can't succeed every time.

I was worried about having an eyebrow sharpener in the bathroom at home, and I was afraid that they would scare them when they returned......

With this concern, I heard the sound of the door opening, so I had to put down the knife and pretend to have just washed my hands and came out.

I have family and friendship, but sometimes I wish I didn't have these, I would rather not have them, so that I can leave this world without any worries.

"Get out of here, get out of here......" the voice in my head said, and out of here, you'll be free.

I was restless, I wanted to stand up and yell, but I couldn't. I can't show the slightest bit of an abnormality.

I could only suppress, give up yelling, give up biting like a dog, but my emotions didn't allow me to give up.

Looking at the window outside I wanted to jump off immediately, looking at the mirror on the table, I wanted to break it, and the broken glass would free me.

But looking at the side kept asking me to eat, eating...... It's an irritating voice, and I know I can't.

I could only clench my fists, grit my teeth, and curl up in a ball, trying to calm myself down.

The shaking body, the sweat stains on the palms of the hands, the beads of sweat rolling down the forehead and flowing down to the nose, the tears in the corners of the eyes......

But even then there was a cacophony of noises around me, it frightened me, it scared me, and plunged me into an infinite darkness, without a single light, and I was greeted by an even more dull darkness, breathless.