Falling into the darkness turned out to be that I was tired and asleep, but the tearstains on the white quilt that I don't know if it was clean or not told me that it was real to fall into the darkness.

And the relief from falling into the quagmire in the dream, and the collapse of the world, the collapse of the edifice, are just the momentary pleasures.

I wanted to die but couldn't, and I had to go through physical torture, and I even imagined that it might just be a dream, a nightmare, and when I woke up, I would turn into a pure white snowflake, fall freely, and then melt away.

Why live, I have thought about this question countless times and I can't figure it out......

Why do you want to eat, I've been thinking about this question a lot......

To eat is to live, to live is to die, and then to be buried in the dirt and slowly decomposed, and then to be used as fertilizer for the land......

I don't want to live, I don't want to eat.

I was deprived of even the right to die.

It's ridiculous to think about it, I have committed suicide so many times, not once I really died, and not once was discovered.

After each failure, I had to slowly endure the pain of my own death.

Habitually hide the blade, cover the wound that is still bleeding, have a pack of tissues in your pocket at any time, go to the backyard to wipe the blood, wait for the wound to coagulate, and then burn the paper that has wiped the blood, the ground under your feet and the burned black ash rub it twice with your feet, and you can't see anything, except for the red wound hidden under the sleeve, and the red wound around, everything else is gone.

No one knew what I had done, and I didn't feel any pain, and sometimes it was even uncomfortable, and it would be better to cut it a few times.

Touching the tears that still remained in the corners of his eyes, thinking of some things, I couldn't help but feel more pitiful.

I left the bed with the strange smell and washed up with the water from the disgusting pool that my mother had brought from the basin.

Then I left the little hostel that was full of strange smells, irritable, and scared.

Continue to carefully pass through the black tube like a mouse, the undercurrent, and then crash into the hospital like a dull, suffocating cover.

The crowd walking by, the noise in my ears, although I was used to it, and my father's thick arms, still involuntarily scared me and made me nervous, in order not to let others hear my hiccups, I wore three or four layers of masks, and buried my head in the crook of my father's arm, but I was still scared and nervous......

I couldn't help but say that I had turned myself into this picture of no one and no ghost.

Said I don't need to be nervous and take a deep breath, but I hiccuped non-stop, how could I call deeply****** Shen's ward is another small two-story old building.

There are railings everywhere, and if you want to enter the ward, you have to ask the nurse to open the door to get in, because the door is always locked, and only the nurse and the doctor can open it.

After waiting outside the locked door to remember, my mother was the only one who took me in, and my father didn't let me in because he didn't do nucleic acid.

Tightly clenched fists, my mother broke it for me, I clenched it again, broke it open and clenched it again. And so we went up to the second floor.

Six beds on the second floor, six, the number is auspicious, but I am afraid of it.

At the nurse's station, the nurse lady was very gentle, very gentle, very gentle when talking to me, measuring my measurements, height, weight, blood pressure, and putting a wristband on my hand.

But the nervousness made the sweat on my palms wet as if I had washed my hands, and all the sharp objects, dangerous goods, and glass products I had brought were confiscated.

Then they took me to an empty room, where there was nothing but two beds, just me and my mother, and I wanted to squat uncontrollably in the corner, wanting to cry, wanting to cry, but as soon as I squatted down a little bit, my mother picked me up and sat on the hospital bed by the window.

I hadn't eaten anything for nearly four days, and I didn't have the strength to resist at all, I just felt dizzy, and I sat on the bed and kept buttoning my nails, clenching my fists, and pinching my arms.

I don't know how long I waited in that room, I just felt like it was a long, long time before a doctor finally came in.

He was also very gentle and soft-spoken, but the proximity of strangers made me tremble, and I would only clench my fists, nod or shake my head when he asked me questions, and I would only pretend to be dumb when I needed to speak.

My lack of cooperation made the doctor ask about my mother, she didn't know anything at all, she didn't know what I was going through, she didn't know how painful I was, she just said lightly that I had been sick for three years, that my hiccups had not been cured, and that she was afraid of the crowd.

The doctor said that I had to add something that my mother had said wrong, or that she hadn't said, but I didn't want to say anything at all, not a word.

The doctor said that his surname was Ma, and he could be called Dr. Ma, and that he was my responsible doctor, and that he and two other superiors were also in charge of me.

And so by noon, I hadn't seen my bed number six.

I went out and found my father, they were having lunch, I was crying silently and wanted to go home, and the tiredness that flowed down wet the mask I was wearing, one after another, until the tears on the mask could drip water, they finished eating, and took me into the hostel that smelled weird everywhere.

I thought I could escape from here, but this time it was my delusion.

Even if I didn't want to sleep here, my body was exhausted, and my eyelids were about to close, so I couldn't wait to lie on the bed, without taking off my shoes, without taking off my clothes, and without even taking off my mask, I had already closed my eyes.

But I didn't fall asleep when I closed my eyes, I was just dazed, I knew I was tired, I didn't want to move at all, and it was a difficult task to open my eyelids that had been closed.

I don't know how long I've been asleep, I just feel like the world is spinning, and I'm trying to walk into the dark end, but I can't find where the end of the darkness is.

There was no light in my world at all, and I was afraid of the light, so I drove it away, leaving only a barren land, and then the darkness saved me, and I wanted to go in there like a snowflake melting, and let the darkness retain my last drop of colored......

But before I could fully melt into the darkness, I was pulled up to eat.

But looking at the nausea and uncomfortable feeling of those meals, my stiff hands trembled and held the chopsticks, but I didn't stretch out to the food.

"What the hell do you want! It's already here, and the illness can see what the disease is, what kind of demon are you?

Do you want to go home, can you get better when you go home? ”

"Mom, it's okay, it's okay, let's go home, I don't want to be hospitalized. Mom, really, go home, come home and I'll be fine. ”

With a hiccup, I paused to say a word after such a long sentence, and I really felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Okay? We paid the deposit and expenses for the hospitalization. Are you letting this money go down the drain? Mom asked with a cold face.

Seeing that there was no possibility for my mother here, I ran to my father's side and tugged at the corner of his clothes, "Dad, Dad, let's go home, I'll be fine when I go home, really!" I'm pretending! ”

Because I was so excited, the frequency of the hiccups became faster, and the hiccups hurt my throat, but I couldn't care about them.

All I noticed was that my dad broke my hands that were tugging at the corners of his clothes, and then said coldly, "Eat." ”

I've been afraid of my dad since I was a child, and even though he's been nice to me now, I'm still afraid of his cold face.

My sweat-stained hand trembled and stretched out to the pair of chopsticks that I had put down, and I dodged it as if I was afraid of something.

I don't know why, now I want to cry so much, I feel like crying every day, my eyes have already dried up, but I didn't expect that when I looked up, I was already teary-eyed, and a small pool of water stains on the ground was stepped on by my feet.

They didn't make it through me, and they didn't let me eat those meals in the end, and they didn't give me any hope of going home.

It was a gloomy afternoon, with gusts of wind blowing up dust from the ground, yellowing leaves from the trees, and a disgusting smell of the world.

lowered his head, put on a mask, and his waist-length long hair fell down like a female ghost in the underworld.

There are still so many people in this world, groups of people, the crowds are endless, I can't hear any sound, the buzzing in my ears is enough to annoy me, but today's father deliberately left me alone.

Without the security of my generous and warm arms, I was cold, as if I had been soaked in a cold pool.

My mother was short, and I was a little taller than her, and I didn't feel safe tugging at the corner of her clothes.

But my father has long since left and can't find the world.

The crowd, the flow of traffic, the noisy human voices, the honking of cars, made me want to run away and escape from it all.

But my mother's hand grabbed me, and those hands were rough and warm, not like mine, and the palms were covered with sticky and greasy hand sweat.

As always, squeeze into the crowd to scan the health code, and then follow the crowd into the green code channel under the watchful eye of the hospital security guard.

Then I went into the inpatient ward, which was locked 24 hours a day, and only nurses and doctors could open the door.

The wristband on my wrist was like a lock, and it completely locked me.

Shi Chuan, 16 years old, in the second ward of the psychiatric department

This is who I am now, and it's the rope that binds me.